OMG – 17 days and I will leave Glarisegg to travel Europe!!
Since weeks I am riding the rollercoaster of feelings and the ingredients of the ride are almost joy, fear, and sadness.
It comes in separate waves. What I realize is that I get more sensitive to my needs. I listen deeply before I decide for example with which people to spend my time with as it feels more treasurable as the time here at Glarisegg is running out. I decided to spend my remaining time with close friends. After 6 years of putting the community issues and needs first, I started to acknowledge my needs and put them first – I put myself first.
Not long ago I would have labeled myself as selfish or egoistic by doing this and as Charly Chaplin wrote in his famous poem, I realized that this is not selfish BUT self-love.
I am really happy that I started to plan this project almost 1 year ago because I see now that it is so important to take care of transition periods. To have enough time to let go and to round up all the projects where I was in. Letting go is no longer a “running away” and leave behind because it was not working. For me letting go feels now more like fulfilling a circle of a life period in a respectful and honoring way.
During the last weeks, I learned to bond even more with my closest friends and to prioritize what feels right at this moment, what reflects again a proof of self-love for me. To let my friends know that I love them and that I will care about them even I will be away and to show them that I really care is/was so new for me. I still have to remind myself that I will take care also when I will be on travel and that I want to stay connected. I so come from the inner place of disconnection that it is still a moment to moment decision within me to open up and stay connected. I get more and more used to it and as I “practiced” the disconnection for more than 35 years before I started to feel again, it feels still pretty new after 5 years to feel connected and present with people I love and I care because it comes with the risk to lose them again, which was the route cause of being disconnected at the first place when I was little. It was too painful to need connection – because there wasn`t connection in the incubator possible.
Sometimes I feel so sad because I think I might loose this mothering and nourishing connection of unconditional love I currently receive from my best friends, that I just start to cry thinking about losing it again and how stupid I must be to leave a place where such a beautiful connection is possible. When I tune into this I feel so little and I am reminded of my mother and the missing love from her I felt when I was a baby. Yesterday I realized again/reminded myself that it was me – my whole life, who was not able to let the love through into my heart. It was always there – the love from others. I built up a big wall in front of my heart to feel safe and protected because my Mum was not there when I was born. This wall kept on to be so solid until some months ago. The walls get more and more cracks where I am able to let the love through into my system and I keep on letting the energy in while it cracks up more and more.
I am afraid that during the stay at someone’s house I feel so lonely because I would build up the wall again. I know this is just a story and it is me who can decide if this will happen and the thoughts are there and it is releasing to express it so that the joy can come up again to the surface.
Two weeks ago I was sitting outside and looked over the lake and suddenly a big smile came over my face and the feeling of pure joy for the travel raised! For the first stay here in Switzerland – just “around the corner” of Glarisegg and 1 1/2 hours travel away and after this stay the next stay is in Zürich and then up to the Netherlands!! WOW so cool. I will go to travel Europe – yippee and I will do what my heart is asking me for!
Love and blessings